


The Nightmares havent Left Yet

by a_lonely_tatertot



Series: Gay Kotlc For Your Soul [8]
Category: Keeper of the Lost Cities Series - Shannon Messenger
Genre: Baking, Fitz gets hurt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Neverseen, Tam Song has PTSD, blood and scars, fitz’s bakery, injuries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:41:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27330640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_lonely_tatertot/pseuds/a_lonely_tatertot
Summary: Tam’s afraid of the dark, and what it makes him remember.
Relationships: Tam Song/Fitz Vacker
Series: Gay Kotlc For Your Soul [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1795663
Comments: 1
Kudos: 10





	The Nightmares havent Left Yet

**Author's Note:**

> I am sorry it wasn’t supposed to be this angsty I swear

The nightmares were back. For a moment, one peaceful moment when he had closed his eyes, finally laying down at 4 am, it was quiet. No flashes. No pain. No cold terror freezing his body. The shadows of the room stayed in their places, the shadows in his mind didn’t move. 

Relief flooded through him a moment too soon.    
The peace was shattered by his thoughts. It started with Linh. Why couldn’t he protect her? How she had burn scars traveling, weaving down her arm, because of him. He couldn’t stop them when they took her. She wore them proudly now, next to Biana, and she doesn’t flinch when Marella lights her fires. But Tam does. He always will. And he’ll never get her screams out of his head.

The thoughts and images travel from there. To what he did to Keefe, to how powerful he felt. As he watched the shadows under his command, it was his doing, with or without the cuffs. How before Sophie talked to him he was becoming more like them. He had darkness in him, so much of it, and the things he had done were still apart of him. 

Distantly he felt Fitz curl closer to him out of instinct. Tam wanted to scream, to yell, to put Fitz as far away from him as he could.  _ I’m a monster! How can you sleep next to me? Knowing you’re defenseless?  _ Tam thought. The shadows crawled closer. He didn’t stop them. 

Fitz knew what he was capable of, he had  _ felt _ it. The Shadowflux was inside of him, inside of his heart. “That wasn’t you,” Fitz had said as he grabbed Tam’s hand and put it to his chest. “This wasn’t you, this was never your fault. You fought back, you did everything in your power to help.”

_ It could’ve been, _ Tam almost said. He didn’t, Fitz shouldn’t have to deal with that part of him. 

Fitz made a soft sigh against his side and Tam couldn’t take it anymore. He didn’t trust himself. Everyone who cared about him got hurt because of it and Fitz was no exception. 

As he wiggled his way out of Fitz’s grip he was reminded of the scar on his chest, only a couple of inches from his heart. It was near the end of a battle, the Neverseen were retreating, they were closer to a victory than they had been in months. Tam was watching them go, throwing shadow after shadow making sure they couldn’t get back, but he didn’t notice the gleam of a knife through the air until it was too late. He couldn’t move so he threw a shadow to counter it. But Fitz only saw the knife. And Tam didn’t see Fitz. He had jumped in the way of both the knife and the shadow and caught both in the chest, Tam only saw his knees give out beneath him and heard the other’s shouting. 

By the time Elwin had gotten to the field Tam thought it was too late. Fitz’s chest had stopped moving and so did Tam. They got him to the Healing Center and the only reason Tam could move was because of Keefe and Linh. 

“I killed him,” Tam whispered.

“We don’t know that, he can’t be dead,” Linh said firmly.

“Fitz is strong,” Keefe tried but his voice cracked at the end.

Elwin worked tirelessly for hours on end, but in the end, it all came down to hoping Fitz was strong enough. Tam never left his perch on one of the other cots, and Sophie and Keefe traded days to make sure that he took care of himself too. And the moment Fitz woke up Tam didn’t go up to him. He had hurt him. Fitz wouldn’t have wanted to see him.

And yet, his name was the first thing out of his mouth. “ _ Tam _ ,” Fitz said even though Keefe was the one next to him. “Is-is he okay? Did I save him?”

A small smile formed on Keefe’s face, “Yeah, you saved him, buddy.”

Tam didn’t say anything until he was back to sleep, he hid in the corner staring in disbelief at Fitz. When he was finally back asleep, Tam whispered, “Why did you save me, you could’ve died.”

“Cause I love you, you idiot,” Fitz whispered back. And Tam never understood how.

Pulling out of the memory he found himself downstairs in the bakery. The front was floor-to-ceiling glass, and there were booths and tables scattered around the floor space. The kitchen was big with hundreds of ingredients that Tam didn’t understand. He knew some, from the nights that Fitz had grabbed some off of the counters and guided his hands. Fitz would probably want him to make something. Often it ended up with a mess everywhere and Fitz laughing at the amount of flour he had over him. 

But the thing he liked most about the bakery was if Tam was downstairs and he was upstairs, no one could touch him. No knives could be thrown, no one could get in without him knowing. He could actually protect Fitz from here. It had been months since the last attempt on their lives, even after the war was over people still were out to hurt them. But Fitz wasn’t going to take another knife for him, Tam wasn’t going to let another person get hurt for him. 

Tam started pulling down the ingredients he remembered, if he staged it like this he could say he was up baking. He remembered where the recipes were, Fitz didn’t need them but he kept them around for the rest of the group. He pulled out a random one that seemed simple, it was a human recipe for a dessert called “brownies”. Sophie had shown him how to bake it once, and before they put it in the oven she gleefully added almost an entire bag of chocolate chips, “For flavor,” she laughed.

He followed the steps which seemed simple enough. It consumed his focus easily, calming his mind from the anxiety. Read the instruction, do the instruction. Easy. The longer he baked though, the more his eyes started to droop. The more he had to read an instruction over and over again. At one point he almost dropped the bowl he was carrying.

He should’ve gone back to bed. But he couldn’t make himself. When he slept his mind filled with terror and memories. It reminded him of past guilt and shadows consumed him. He was afraid of the dark. The dark of the room, the dark of his mind. What was the step again? He swore under his breath. The words seemed to blur.

Right, he was supposed to grab a glass pan to put the batter in. 

Easy enough, it should’ve been but he had to fight his eyes to stay open. 

He had to fight his feet to take a step.    
One step. Two. Three. Open the cabinet.  _ This doesn’t normally take as much effort, _ he thought distantly but pushed it aside. Grab the smaller pan. Or was it the bigger one?

_ Doesn’t matter _ , he grabbed one. The world went black for a second and he fought to open his eyes again. One step. Tw- the world went black again. Glass shattered the floor.  _ Oh, _ he thought, he felt glass splinter his feet. He wasn’t wearing shoes or socks. 

“Tam?” Fitz called from somewhere. “Tam? Babe are you okay?”

Finally, he was able to force his eyes open, there was red on the floor. That probably wasn’t a good sign. “Yeah I’m okay go back to sleep,” he said wincing about how easily he lied. 

Fitz poked his head out from behind the wall that covered the staircase, eyebrows already furrowed in concern. “It’s five in the morning,” he said factually.

“You should be asleep, I was just finishing,” not entirely a lie. 

“There’s glass on the floor.” 

“I dropped a pan.”

“Your feet are bleeding,” he said coming behind the counter. 

“I’m fine really, you’ve got a meeting tomorrow you should really get some-” Tam started. He hated this, he hated being a mess in front of Fitz.

“I swear if you say  _ I  _ need sleep I’m gonna throw out you’re brownies before you get to bake them,” Fitz said half-joking half-serious.

Tam rolled his eyes, “Oh no my creations I’m terrified.”

A small smile tugged at his mouth. Grabbing the broom he cleared a path to Tam and cupped his face. “I’m worried about you,” he said the amount of emotion in his eyes caught Tam off guard.

“You shouldn’t have to be,” Tam whispered leaning his forehead to Fitz’s.

“But I am because I care about you. Let me help you,” he pleaded softly, “let me take care of you.  _ Please _ .”

Tam was too tired to say no, so he sagged into Fitz’s shoulder the weight of his tiredness crashing down at once. Fitz placed a kiss in his hair and Tam smiled into his shoulder. “Sap,” he muttered. 

“I love you too, dork,” Fitz laughed. He pushed Tam away and hummed gently at Tam’s sleepy grumbles. But it was only so he could sweep up his legs and hold him bridal style. 

“I can walk you know.”

“Shush, I’m taking care of you no objections.” Tam hummed once more and leaned his head into his chest to listen to his heartbeat. Eventually, the world went black.

And for the first time in many nights, Tam didn’t dream.

**Author's Note:**

> Come find me on tumblr @a-lonely-tatertot! I update more often there plus some sneak peaks at future fics!


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